First journal on this site, and sadly it's not a happy one.
I don't...have much people to talk to about this, and no one on here will read this [I think?] so it's fine I suppose.
Long story short, I admitted to someone that I liked them. There wasn't a yes or no answer, but it still hurts. More so that it ended up being a friend. So now things are...awkward, despite us both saying 'we are still friends.' At least it feels like that on my end. I want that, god I do, but I don't know if I can believe in this. Maybe...this is me thinking too much. Maybe it's just me in the process of getting over something, even though this is what I expected in the end.
I'm trying. Really, I am....but it bugs me that with me it's weird, awkward, me feeling I have to watch what I say but with them and other people it's normal. Is it...normal for me to feel that? I'm asking this honestly. I guess that's a silly thing to worry about, given what happened, but it does bug me. I think I was hopping things would just go right back to the way they were before I even opened my damn mouth. Even the small, little things we did have suddenly come to a stop. It's stupid, since they didn't mean anything in the end, but I guess it meant something to me.
Pfttt...well duh, I was the one with the problem, so of course it would mean something to me. Silly me for thinking such small things meant anything before I screwed it all to hell.
I really, really want this to go away. How do I do this? I want things to go back to normal. I wish I never felt like this. I wish it was with someone I wasn't THAT close with. I wish I had never said anything, despite having a weight lifted off me now.What the hell is wrong with me? What was I thinking? Home is no longer a place I look forward to going back to, because these thoughts are quick to return like they are right now. Work is the one thing I find some kind of peace in, as sad as that sounds. It's not fully, but at least it keeps my mind off of it. Today was hard, though. I woke up with such a heavy feeling...I can't explain it. I was just dragging myself along, acting like everything was fine. After all the talk about 'feeling better' after getting it out, I almost feel worse than before, and I don't understand it enough to get it out to that person.
...I'm a total noob in this area.
I'm tired. Really tired. I don't want to be self-destructive, but it looks like I am heading down that road. Hell, 2 or 3 am is not the time to be taking walks in my area, wanting, looking something to happen to you. I can't deny that I am thinking about doing it again tonight. Wouldn't that make things much easier? Just one hit to make everything go away. Sounds nice...and tempting as hell.
I want to get over this, but it's not moving as quickly as I want.
...I'm sorry ahead of time if by some chance I end up screwing things up more by posting this. Knowing me I'll forget that I even wrote this, but I needed to get this off my chest.